Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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