I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
