Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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