so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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