my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
