if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
