I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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