Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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