I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
