I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
