I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
