I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
