I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
