I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
