Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
