Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
