he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
