Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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