PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
