Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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