I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
