I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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