she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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