Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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