Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
