if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
