Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
