guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Found your dick twin last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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