after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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