How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
