My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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