Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
