My liver just broke up with me...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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