I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
