I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
