I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
