at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
