someone get that fucking seahorse.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
They took my balls.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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