I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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