what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
