When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
