I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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