did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
