just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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