Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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