I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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