Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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