Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
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I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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