this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
