What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
