he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You left your phone here
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