I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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