When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
