I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
