I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Randomize
