Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
